No, I am not going to stay because I am incapable of remaining still. That has been the recent understanding which I cannot avoid. Many years ago, over two decades ago, I was sitting in the office of a therapist I had been recommended to in order to address anxiety attacks I had begun having. The endocrinologist had actually made this referral after running a multitude of tests concluding my diagnosis was exhaustion. Well, at 28 I had an 8 year old, a 7 year old, and twin sons who were 4. I probably had not slept through the night since the first was born.
Off to this little therapist I went and within a couple of sessions he told me my problem was I needed to "be still and know that He is God." To which I instantly thought, "Why do I need to be still to know this?" After a few months of going to him and reading several books he had given me I went to his office for a final visit and told him I was thankful for all he had done for me. The attacks had eased off, and I had decided it was time for me to go back to college and get that degree still dangling out there. He informed me that was the exact opposite of what we had been working on because this was just adding another huge stressor onto my plate.
A year later I ran into this same man at Home Depot, and he smiled and asked about the strange pile of merchandise I was buying. I explained we were opening a pizza place. He then asked if that meant college did not work out. I told him no, it was still full throttle, but this was just something we thought we would give a go. He said that I was far from recovery, in fact, I was likely moving in the opposite direction. I was very still for about a second and said, "I'm not seeing you anymore." It felt like a very awkward break up.
Twenty-six years later I continue to struggle with being still. I was diagnosed hyperactive as a small child. My mother even told me one day that when she was carrying me she took diet pills which was the thing to do in the late 60's. It could have been woven into my DNA as I grew in her womb, or I simply inherited it in my DNA from generations back. I am not sure how some people are just naturally more relaxed than others.
I had a very kind man I worked with last year try to tell me about this meditation activity one can do visualizing a hot air balloon rising into a bright blue sky and all my cares were in this balloon and attached was another balloon I was in, and I was to be very still and continue to let the balloons rise and cut the cord watching those cares drift away. The guy sounded so at peace telling me about this I had to try it. I chose a beautiful spring day with mild weather. It was an epic fail. I went back to tell this person my balloons kept exploding, and he urged me to continue and let the balloons explode over and over again. No.
As an educator I have come across many children much like myself. I feel for them. The thought of sitting still for a solid hour was torture for me growing up. So, bottom sat and mouth opened. I have, however, learned a multitude of coping skills to have a different type of meditation. I paint water colors, I walk, I work out, I organize, I garden. Believe it or not, this movement helps my mind settle down and some of my best writing occurs and solid understandings form about steps I should take in my life. I will never be that person who can just sit around focusing on my breathing because then I start overthinking my breathing, and I can't breathe. This all came to mind as I was in a checkout line the other day, and I overheard a mother venting about her child.
So, to all of you very patient and still people out there, use some of that patience on those of us who could never stand quiet watching a golf game. Who write lists of things to be done to bring peace of mind? Who need to have some body part moving in order to focus? It is how we are "wired". Namaste!
